Being Real with Each Other

Jay Earley, PhD

What happens emotionally when you are meeting new people? Most of us feel some nervousness and also some excitement. There are a variety of ways that we deal with their nervousness. Some people hang back and say very little. Some tell entertaining stories so they will be liked. Others act friendly and caring to make other people feel comfortable. Almost all of us try to hide our discomfort from others.

Would you like to be in a situation with new people where you could be totally honest about your feelings? In “Being Real with Each Other” evenings, everyone is encouraged to share their moment-to-moment responses with the group. It’s a big risk but very exciting!

A small group of people (6-12) meets for an evening of awareness, honesty, and connection. I facilitate the group, helping people to tune into what they are experiencing and speak their truth. You share with people how you are feeling about meeting them and speaking in the group. You tell others honestly and directly how you are responding to them. We create an atmosphere of caring and trust so that this can be done in a safe way. You have a chance to get honest feedback from people about how you come across.

Here’s how it goes. We start out with brief introductions and a short exercise for people to begin to get acquainted. Then the floor is open for people to speak in the group. I encourage people to become aware of what they are feeling at that moment and share it. One person says, “I'm pretty anxious about what is going to happen.” A number of people express similar feelings. Someone says, “This is really exciting, meeting people this way rather than putting up a front.”

After a while Walt says, “This is hard to say, but I'm going to chance it. I’ve been afraid to speak for fear I won’t come across well.” I ask him to say more about what he is afraid of. He says, “I guess I'm not sure I’ll appear intelligent enough or solid enough. I'm worried that people will judge me.” Jill responds, “I admire your courage in saying that. I feel that way, too. I didn’t even think to say it out loud. And also, you seem pretty articulate to me. I don’t think you have to worry about being judged.”

I ask Walt how he is responding emotionally to Jill and he thanks her. I ask him if he wants to take it further by going inside and checking to see what his emotional response was. He agrees to this. He realizes that he feels proud of himself about what he did. He also feels warmly toward Jill. I invite him to say that directly to Jill. He says he feels shy about doing that. However, he gets up the courage to express his warmth directly to her. Her face lights up with a big smile and she tells him she feels connected with him. Walt is greatly relieved.

The group continues on with people expressing themselves. After a while, Jane says, “OK. I'm going to take a risk. A few minutes ago I made that remark and there was dead silence afterwards. It felt like no one noticed what I said or no one was interested.” I ask her how she is feeling in response to that. She says she feels hurt and alone. I ask if she would like to hear how people are responding to her, and she does. Some people explain why they didn’t respond to her remark. A number of people admire her courage in making herself so vulnerable. She feels happy that people are being so responsive to her.

Sometime later in the evening Marlene says to Sally. “I really admire the way you are in touch with your feelings and so articulate in expressing them. I wish I could do that.” Sally feels uneasy in hearing this. When I ask her to explore what that is about, she realizes that whenever someone has put her up on a pedestal, they later turn on her and shoot her down. So she was unconsciously afraid of Marlene doing that. I encourage Sally to speak directly to Marlene about this. She says, “I would really rather have you connect with me than admire me.” Marlene says, “You don’t have to worry about my shooting you down. I don’t have you up on a pedestal. In fact, I think I can learn to be as articulate as you are.” Sally feels relieved, and this allows her to feel how much she liked being seen so positively by Marlene.

As people continue speaking their truth and hearing each other, I notice that Dan has been sitting almost silently through the evening. I ask him what is happening, and he says that he has been scared to speak and feels left out of the group. I encourage him to explore what he is afraid of. After looking inside, he realizes that he expects people to reject him, so a part of him holds back to avoid finding this out. He generally stays quiet in settings like this with new people because of this fear. I ask if he is willing to hear how people are responding to him, and he agrees. Jill says, “I was wondering about you. I felt a little afraid of you because you weren’t saying anything. I was afraid you were sitting back and judging us. But now that you have spoken, and shared your fears, I feel close to you. You are being open and accessible and you don’t seem scary at all.” Dan is really touched by this. He says it was the last thing he expected to hear.

By the end of the evening, the people in the group are feeling surprisingly connected with each other, given that they are just starting to know each other. They also feels excited about being honest with their feelings in a safe setting where that brings connection.