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Behavior Charms people with force of personality. Seductive, flattering, vivacious, cute Entertaining, using humor or story telling Charismatic Histrionic Motivation 1. To get others to like her and admire her to compensate
for underlying feelings of shame and rejection, or other deficiency issues. 2. To get what she wants without risking rejection or
failure. 3. In service of controlling, to protect against harm,
especially sexually. Core Issues/Origins Deficiency issues, especially shame and rejection Occasionally harm issues Shaped charming Natural ability in this area Conscious Statement Look at me. Aren’t I terrific! Unconscious Thought If I charm people so they like me, I won’t feel so
deficient. If I charm people so I have some control, I can avoid being
harmed. Representations Self: likable, admirable Other: admiring Sees Others As Potential admirers or followers Healthy Capacities
Blocked authenticity, vulnerability Activating
Conditions Social or public situations, large groups Situations where there is an opportunity to perform Distinctions The compliant person also tries to please others, but from
a one-down position. The charming does it from a one-up position. The charming person is usually prideful, but about a
specific issue—her personality. It is a healthy capacity to be charming. It is only when
the charm is used for compensation or control or to avoid vulnerability that it
is a pattern. Then it often becomes inauthentic. VARIATIONS Controlling Sometimes used in service of controlling pattern, to
control others in order to prevent the person from being harmed or to get her
needs met without becoming vulnerable. Combinations of
Charming Pattern with Other Patterns Needy: Charms to try to get nurtured Entitled: Charms to be able to use people (extreme is
sociopathic charm) RELATED PATTERNS Mutual attraction between charming and idealizing patterns Conflicts between charming and suspicious pattern PSYCHOTHERAPY Related Technical
Concepts Extreme is histrionic personality disorder Marketing character (Erich Fromm) Transference Tries to charm the therapist rather than working in therapy Countertransference
toward Charming Client Therapist becomes charmed—sexually attracted,
entertained, entranced, flattered, etc. Countertransference
of Charming Therapist Becomes more focused on developing a following of admiring
clients than helping the clients, especially a problem for group and workshop
leaders. Self-worth of therapist is defined by popularity rather
than success in helping people Group
Roles/Positions Attractive member, social center of group TREATMENT Entering Therapy Therapist may need to be charmed by client at first to
allow her to bond with therapist Circumventing
Pattern Point out that story or joke telling is not
self-exploration and ask the person to do that Understanding Needed
by Client That the charming behavior is not always authentic. You can
point out defensive laughter or joke telling, ask about cutesy or seductive
behavior. That the charming is motivated by a need to compensate for
a deficiency or by fear. In general, ask the client to explore the feelings and
meaning behind the charming behavior. What response does she hope to get from
you. Accessing Core
Issues and Origins Underlying shame and fear Experimenting with
Healthy Behavior Client needs to experiment with being vulnerable,
especially shy, awkward, insecure. Very difficult. Healing Reponses Appreciation and compassion for client’s vulnerability
and authenticity Healing Relationship The client is able to be herself (in whatever form that
takes) and know that she is appreciated and cared about. |