Working Through Procrastination using IFS

Do you sometimes avoid tasks that have to be done? Do you sometimes avoid things you really want to do, especially activities that involve taking risks and the possibility of failure? Do you start a project but not stay with it? Or does it take you so long to finish it that you miss important deadlines?

Why We Procrastinate

The most important thing to understand about procrastination is that it happens because there is a part of you that doesn’t want to do the task. This part is usually unconscious. You feel that you want to do the task, or at least you realize that you have to do it. But you can’t understand why it isn’t getting done. This is because there are two parts of you in conflict. One part wants to do the task, and the other part doesn’t.  In order to resolve this dilemma, you must get in touch with the part that wants to avoid the task.

Fear of Failure or Judgment. There are a number of reasons why this part of you might want to procrastinate. Sometimes it is an attempt to avoid failing at something or being judged as inadequate. You might even be afraid of being humiliated if you stick your neck out. Frequently the tasks that get put off are those that involve risk—making a presentation, calling people on the phone, writing and article or a book, proposing a project, applying for a job, starting a business. If you were judged harshly as a child by one of your parents when you did certain things, this could make a part of you afraid of attempting similar things now. If you were humiliated by your siblings or friends at school, this could make a part of you afraid to put yourself out.

For example, when Delores had homework for school, her father would help her with it, but he had no patience for the time needed for a child to learn things. He was constantly critical of her, and this made her feel inadequate. Now whenever she is faced with a task or project that could involve failure, she becomes frightened. The fear is unconscious but it makes her avoid projects.

Other Fears. Sometimes procrastination comes from a fear of rejection. You may avoid asking someone out on a date or going to an event to meet new people, because a part of you is afraid of not being liked, not measuring up, being rejected. It can also come from a fear of disaster or danger. Anything that causes fear can result in procrastination.

Despair. Fear of taking action can be compounded by a hopeless attitude. A part of you may feel that no matter how hard you try, you won’t be successful, you won’t get appreciation, you won’t be accepted or loved. This is often a defense against taking risks, and a very effective one. The hopeless part says, “Why bother taking action? Why bother putting myself at risk? I will just be judged or dismissed anyway.” And so it procrastinates to keep you safe.

Avoidance of Difficulties. Sometimes procrastination is an attempt to avoid facing situations that are painful or difficult. A part of you might avoid something that involves having to make a difficult choice, or confronting someone you are close to, or seeing how much pain a loved one is feeling. Jeff is a 78 year old who procrastinated about investigating assisted living possibilities because he didn’t want to think about losing his functioning. Anything that you would rather not face can become the focus of procrastination. In most cases, you would never choose consciously to avoid it, but procrastination happens outside of awareness.

Defiance. Procrastination can also be an unconscious bid for autonomy. If a task is given to you by your boss or your teacher, for example, a part of you may be angry at being told what to do. This part resents being told to do something. You may not be aware of the resentment because another part of you knows that you have to do the task, and that is the part you identify with. You are consciously planning to get the task done before the deadline, so you ignore your angry part. But you do this at your peril because the time keeps slipping away and you aren’t getting enough done. The resentful, procrastinating part is the one in charge. It is defying your teacher or your boss by avoiding the task, because it wants to be autonomous, and all this is happening without your being aware of it.

This kind of unconscious defiance can also be directed at a part of yourself. For example, Mike decided that he wanted to get regular exercise to improve his health. A part of him (let’s call it the Driver) set up an exercise program that he was supposed to follow. However, another part of him (the Rebel) resented being told what to do, even by another part of Mike. The Driver and the Rebel got locked into battles outside Mike’s awareness, and the result was that his exercising was hit-and-miss. And he didn’t keep up with it.

This dynamic often gets created when there was a parent who frequently told you what to do in a way that didn’t respect your own needs and desires. For example, Mike’s mother constantly nagged at him to practice his trumpet and made him feel bad when he didn’t. She knew he had talent and she wasn’t interested in how he felt about playing the trumpet. Mike’s Rebel part resented his mother’s invasion of his autonomy. Now in his current life, Mike’s Driver has a style of assigning him tasks that is similar to his mother’s style—demanding and critical. This does not sit well with the Rebel. Any time his Driver part sets up a task, it feels like another invasion and the Rebel goes on strike. Those two are constantly in conflict. In IFS, this is called polarization.

Transforming Procrastination

The following six steps will help you to work through your procrastination. They don’t have to be performed in order.

Understanding Behavior. Get clear on the form your procrastination takes. What do you actually do that prevents you from taking action or accomplishing things. How do you avoid tasks? Do you get distracted? Do you forget about the task? Do you not set aside time to work on it? Are you unable to decide what to do? What kind of tasks do you avoid? Tasks assigned to you by certain people? Actions that involve meeting new people? Appearing in public? Under what circumstances do you procrastinate? When you are depressed? When you are confused? When you are angry?

Understanding Motivation. Get to know the part of you that procrastinates. Don’t judge it or try to talk it out of procrastinating. Approach it with an attitude of openness and compassion. Be curious to understand why it wants to avoid certain actions. Remember that it is trying to do something positive for you, even if that isn’t working. Get to know its motivation, its fears. Is it trying to gain autonomy by procrastinating? What is it afraid would happen if it allowed you to take action? Getting judged? Being controlled? Failing at something? Getting upset?

Polarized Parts. If the part that is procrastinating is defying another part, get to know the part it is rebelling against. Is there an Inner Critic that is driving you harshly to accomplish tasks? Is there a Striving part that wants to make a great deal of effort to achieve something? Get to know this part from an open place. Find out why it needs to push you so hard. Understand that it is also trying to do something positive for you.

Understand how the procrastinating part feels toward the pushing or striving part. Why does it feel a need to fight against that part? Is it angry at being judged? Does it feel hopeless about ever satisfying the Inner Critic? Is it stubbornly rebelling? Remember that these actions are an attempt to protect you from something it sees as negative.

See how these two parts are polarized, how each is fighting the other. The Inner Critic feels that it must push so hard to overcome the procrastination of the Defiant part. The Defiant part feels that it must rebel because the Inner Critic is controlling and harmful with its criticism. Hold them both with compassion and understanding. Ask them each if they will lighten up if the other one agrees to also.

Healing Origins. Get in touch with the childhood origins of your procrastination. This means accessing the young, vulnerable part of yourself that was judged or humiliated when you were a child. This part needs to express it’s feelings and tell it’s story. Then it can be healed of the accumulated pain of the past. (This kind of work should be done with an IFS therapist unless you have taken one of my classes.) After that there will be little need to procrastinate because there isn’t much pain to defend against. It would be helpful to also explore the origins of your Defiant part and your Inner Critic.

Awareness. Become aware of your procrastination at the moment it is happening. This is crucial for procrastination because its very nature involves being unaware that you are doing it. When you sit down to work on a project, notice what happens. Do you space out? Do you start doing less important things? If you don’t even sit down to begin with, how does that happen? How do you manage to avoid starting on the task? Do you make plans and then forget? Do you not even make plans? Try to be aware of how these things happen at the moment they are happening.

When you notice procrastination, be aware of what you are feeling at that moment. Do you feel afraid or defiant? Notice what parts of you are activated and what they are afraid of. How do their feelings affect your actions. Being aware of your behavior and feelings in the moment gives you much more information about what is happening. It also gives you the opportunity to work with your parts right then and there.

Working with Your Parts. When you take on a task or project, make sure that you consult with any procrastinating part first to make sure it is on board. Listen to its concerns and fears and take them into account. Don’t set up the project in a rigid or pushy way. If you are easy about it, a Defiant part is less likely to rebel. For example, suppose you are trying to do regular meditation. Don’t demand that you do it every single day without fail. Aim for doing it every day with the understanding that you may miss one or two days a week and that’s OK. Remind your procrastinating part about how much you will enjoy the end result of getting the project done.

If a part is afraid of taking risks, take the fear seriously. Consider what could happen. How can you arrange it to make this unlikely? What can you do to support and care for this frightened part as you take this risk? For example, suppose you have a part that is afraid of being alone and without support when you are giving a talk. You could ask a friend to come with you to support you.

Conclusion